Notes from Walker
Walker, M. When Getting Along Is Not Enough: Reconstructing Race in Our Lives and Relationships. Teachers College. 2020.
“We most truly come alive and grow when we are in good connection with others.” (xi)
“Racism has left us weak and waster on the shore;
Come, my Sister, let us cross over to the other side.” (xii)
“the capacity to participate in healthy connection, rather than the commonly lauded capacity for self-sufficiency, was the hallmark of psychological maturity…chronic disconnection was the primary source of human suffering.” (3)
“A healthy connection is one in which all participants have an opportunity to grow.” (3)
“we are continually creating our narratives of human possibility” (5)
“To practice hope would be to resist, to subvert the power-over practices that leave us alienated and afraid of authentic connection.” (5)
“‘None of us is a discrete, separate unit, but an integrated system of interactions and relationships connected to all.’ Judy Cannato” (65)
Disruptive Empathy
not empathy as performance of “I feel your pain” (65)
“helps us to remain mindful that what we experience as “other” is a part of the humanity that we all share. This process is disruptive because it requires a certain level of willful destabilization. Specifically, we have to loosen our attachment to the narrative about self and other. We must be willing to be surprised and accepting of parts of we previously found embarrassing or shameful. There is no small feat given that our identity narratives, often painstakingly constructed provide a schema for how the world works. In other words, they secure our sense of purpose and place; they guide our movement, insinuating “next steps” in any given interaction. Another distinguishing aspect of disruptive empathy is that it involves courage more than comfort. I make that distinction because conventional notions of empathy may evoke images of warmth, agreement and harmony. Disruptive empathy, in contrast, may be the portal to conflict, the space where new possibilities might emerge.” (66)
“Although a first response to a Not Me moment may be to recoil in anger or shame, a more helpful [and I add healthy] response would be to regard it as a beckoning toward growth rather than deny its existence.” (68)
ARC of Empathy: Awareness, Respect, and Compassion
AWARENESS - “the revelatory process of signaling presence, commitment, and nonjudgmental witness. It is both internally and outwardly focused, enabling clear apprehension of the text, subject, and context of an encounter.” (69)
“taking in and acknowledging the experience of another person is first and foremost an act of courage.” (69)
“1. Pause and breathe…open gently to your own experience: What am I thinking, feeling, remembering, desiring?
“2. Become curious about yourself: Is some deep background story and yourself getting triggered?
“3. Become curious about the other person: What are the stories and concerns behind the words being spoken?
“4. Offer to engage in sharing differences; in other words, invite good conflict.
“5. Open yourself to the possibility of seeing beyond the “first look” and of hearing beyond the first words. You will find yourself in that liminal space where new information emerges and disrupts old narratives (Warning: the hardline boundaries between Self and Other may start to soften.)” (71)
RESPECT
“Empathy is grounded in respect. Without respect, we end up with sympathy or sentimentality—neither of which makes room for the hard truths about the toxic disconnections endemic to racially stratified culture.” (72)
“Avoidance and assuagement are strategies of disconnection—ways of disengaging from the relationship. In other words, without the respect that enables truth telling , we undermine our human capacity for empathy.” (72)
